I can't tell you how many times I've wrote and rewrote this post. It seems like there's just so much going on I can't get my mind to settle. I want to express everything all at once. Since I know it would be just over whelming to have a million different topics in one post I figured I would do it in parts. A different post every week, IF I can manage to write it that is!
Since I last posted some things have changed. I have become more depressed and I know I'm struggling with certain areas of postpartum depression. Now before I go any further, my husband and I are both students. We do not have any insurance so I cannot just go and get something, I don't want something to take anyway. I hate medications, especially one's dealing with depression because I see my Mother take several of them every day.
When I say "certain areas of post partum depression" I mean exactly that. It is always likely for someone to only experience just a few symptoms and not others. To take a look at all the symptoms head over to
Post Partum Progress.
- I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and not by just taking care of my daughter but by other things as well. I can't' even cook breakfast without almost having a panic attack sometimes.
- I have been feeling extremely guilty because I'm not being able to fully breastfeed, I've tried and tried and although it seems she is getting enough she still has to have a topper bottle to hold her over. Guilt is also coming from the house cleaning, laundry, and dishes. Anything you can name that should be done around the house I haven't done it. And as Post Partum Progress states, sometimes I feel that everyone in my family, including my husband deserves better.
- I sometimes at times develop no patients. I feel annoyed at my husband at times. Although this is usually when she's woken up during the night and REFUSES to go back to sleep. I get annoyed at my husband just because I want to sleep too!
- There's numbness and emptiness at times. I cry for no reason. I get extremely angry at myself. I feel like a failure.
- The one thing that truly makes me angry that I do, the only thing that sometimes seems to bring me comfort is food. I'm fat, I hate it. I don't want to be this way. Why is it I have to depend on food. Its not fair. I've always struggled with eating my whole life. I've even dealt with restriction and at times throwing up what I had eaten just to get it out to feel better after I had binged. I haven't done that lately but its a daily struggle to keep myself from doing it.
- I can't sleep when the baby sleeps sometimes. Especially after she's gone to get her shots at the doctors. I just know as soon as I fall asleep she will stop breathing.
- I have started back to school. I am taking three classes right now and getting myself to focus is almost impossible.
I just want to know WHY I can't get over this. I'm stubborn I shouldn't be putting up with this. I should just get over it.
I'm sorry if this seems to be a complain post. But Post Partum is nothing to be ignored. If you believe you might have post partum and can afford to get help do it.
Thanks for listening though for anyone to reads this blog it helps me so much knowing people care.
